--- o For the Spooktober Prompt #3: Prophecy 0 ---

   ❝ Whether you're a medic in the tent or a soldier on the front line, a certain numbness finds those exposed to war. As though time makes the concept of death trite and meaningless. It takes from you piece by piece until nothing is left, eyes as soulless as the ones you have taken or tried to save. Any semblance of fear and disquiet blur into a deep anxiety, a certainty that nothing will ever change. It never seemed to affect me, at least people thought it didn’t. Maybe that’s why people see me as fearless, heartless, even, but they weren’t the ones hearing the voices that reminded them every waking moment. Honestly I am afraid of so many things I know I can never speak of, because none would ever truly understand what it’s like knowing you will never die.

   I moved to Cadwaladr when I turned twelve, I had already seen what I thought was hell, and all I did was try to numb it with a needle. Back then, I didn't understand people or emotions. Still don't, honestly. But over time, I felt myself forming bonds with others, even if I had to watch some of them die while I was helpless to stop them.

   I was fourteen when the plague hit. We knew it would come, but we could never have expected how much damage it would cause. The Monastery was already overrun with the wounded from the war, and the plague almost destroyed us, but we persisted as we always have, and we managed to overcome it.

   Unlike my Sisters, I didn’t have the same magic protection, but I think that was for the best. When I caught it I genuinely thought I was going to die, and I was terrified. But I survived, and even helped to find a cure. I used my own infected blood, something that Mother Fowler thought to be taboo. She quickly changed her mind when she saw how effective the vaccine was.

   For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was useful, that I mattered. I did something that nobody else could have, though it was Veld who taught me so  can’t take all the credit. It wasn’t two months later that I was assaulted while tending to one of the soldiers. I don't remember anything. No — I do remember, I just tell myself I don’t. I tried to hide it, but Sister Katelle found me, but she promised not to tell. I’d be thrown into a fit of panic the moment I was alone, I didn’t eat nor sleep, and like everything, I turned to old habits to cope. The others figured it out, and when Iris found out, well, I won’t forget that either.

   Now that I think about it, it wasn’t my fear of being alone, being there, that drove me to follow her. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to have gone back to live with Veld, but my mind was elsewhere, and I wanted — I had to let that anger out, but I know once I took my first life, there was no going back from that.

   They called it the Battle of the Sisters. It was the sixteenth of Aniyi in 1221, if I recall. The eve of the Vernal Equinox. Nobody saw it coming, they were too busy with the Everspring Festival. King Eleazar of Éliphas laid siege to the twin capitals of Vesalius, and in a single night, conquered both Péronelle and Perenelle, two of the largest and most important port cities on the continent.

   It was the first time artillery was used on such a scale, and we were completely useless. I had been tasked with sabotaging the siege engines, but it was far too little and far too late. They had already broken in and massacred everyone, though we managed to find a few and helped them escape. I just wish I hadn't come across the orphanage.

   I won't bore you with the details of my other battles. Though you were curious about my aversion to boats. Naval warfare is — You can't run or hide. You can't retreat. We got lucky, and managed to survive. Hell, I was even made an honorary Cynfeirdd for my actions during the 1223 Siege of Cathbad. The first time I was on a sinking ship, well, that’s neither here nor there. But you’ll never willingly get me on a boat.

   The Cadwaladr Revolt was when I finally broke. I don't want to talk about it at all, it's a wound that will never close and the reason why I can never forgive myself. Iris, my guiding light. She saved me when I was eight years old, I lost my family and arm when I was six. She pulled me from the bridge I was about to step off and end my life. She took me to the man who I call father, Veld. I wanted to follow in her footsteps, but we both knew I wasn’t ready to, even if it took me a while to realise. And I realised that far too late. She died in my arms — by my hand.

   But I did find out my sister, Erielle, was still alive. I think I already knew, but seeing her with my own eyes confirmed it. While I was constantly searching for the past I could never return to, Erielle is stuck in a present she can never escape, robbed of what future she may have. Forced to live in the moment, never able to grow attached to others. Always alone, knowing she can never stop dying. I didn’t know what this meant until we crossed paths in Cadwaladr, and I’ve never been the same since.

   I don’t regret what happened in Luria. I was already made a criminal for killing Iris, and I vowed to kill Rhodi as well. After I left Alestia, I had nowhere to go, no home, no will to go on. Yet I kept walking, I don’t know for how long, decades maybe. I knew I couldn’t kill myself, as I was already out of ideas by then, none of them worked. I cannot die, I knew that, but I kept trying. So I spent those years tracking down and killing every cultist I could find. When I finally found Iwan, he showed me how truly powerless I was, yet, he let me win. I don’t know why. And I never will.

   Then, one day I found her. She was no older than I was when I lost my arm. Cold and alone, the ongoing war had destroyed the whole village. I didn't know what to do, but I couldn't just leave her, so I tried to find a place for her, but no one would take her in. I tried to convince myself I was heartless, that I did not have the capacity to feel emotions, and grow attached to others. Part of me hated her, maybe it was the innocence I saw in her eyes, or that deep down, they were the same as mine.

   I hadn't noticed she was so ill, and the only thing I could do was comfort her. I was the fool, and I did not know it was the world that died in my arms that day. ❞

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